how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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