I wish I could teleport
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
