someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
