all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
