my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
