I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
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once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
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I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.