my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
