Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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