Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.