the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize