I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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