I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
