I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
