I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
