Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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