Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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