please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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