yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
