i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
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He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
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Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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