I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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