Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
