every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
