Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I deserve this hangover.
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