Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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