I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
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