I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
