a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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