Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
my shit smells like andre
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
