Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
