His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
