I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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