i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
