he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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