6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
