My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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