You're earring is so big in my mouth
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
