apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
