a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
