no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
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