you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
