Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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