with your own penis?
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
