Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
