my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
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