people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
