I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
