she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
