just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
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Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
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Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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