Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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