Im at strip club and am horny
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
