I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
