Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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