the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Randomize
