remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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