You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
