Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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