He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
She's the barista slut.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
