This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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