something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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