The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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