I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
