She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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