If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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