I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
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