My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
