i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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